On Turning 30

To be honest, my twenties sucked.

Sometimes, getting out of a shitty environment can be “out of the frying pan and into the fire.” I started out the decade in a four-year-long abusive relationship. Then I moved back home to finish my undergrad degree, where I was also abused by my parents. I started a freelance writing career which was absolutely awful (more about that in this post) and, to get out of my parents’ house, started a situation-ship and moved in with him into a dilapidated church owned by my abuser’s best friend. We went through -11 degree winters with no heat. I continued to try to make a freelance writing career happen, even though I spent most of my time apologizing to clients for handing work in late because I couldn’t make my brain behave. I did sex work despite my history of sexual abuse. And for ten years after I came out as a transgender man, I made no progress in my medical transition.

I have small pangs of regret sometimes when I think about my twenties, as if I had wasted a decade, but my thirties are so far a vast improvement. My environment is much healthier, but more importantly, my brain is much healthier. Nothing is ever perfect, and it would be a waste of time trying to make it that way, but I am surrounded by people who care about me, even if they’re struggling too. My rented house has central heating, and central air conditioning as well. I have a job with a steady schedule, which helps me immensely, and I have plans to go to grad school in the same field and get started with a career I can be proud of. I started testosterone, and I’m working on getting top surgery. Probably most importantly, I have found a therapist who has actually helped me improve.

My knees don’t work, and I still can’t drive, but I am much happier.


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